I'm practicing this thing where I stop myself from thinking about something negative or irrelevant too long. I’m trying to mentally train myself to immediately change my thought process if it’s toxic. Obviously everything that’s happening is meant to deter me therefore it cannot. Like every skill I’ve mastered it came with practice and patience… I’m not where I want to be but with persistence and dedication I will be. I can’t keep letting the devil get the best of me… I’m better than that. And my kids deserve better than that.
Often times people are quick to call me out for “contradicting myself”. And it’s because for days…weeks even, I openly express my desire to be happy and my goal to remain positive under any circumstance. And then BOOM… the right amount of bullshit or the right person has me engaging in negativity. Whether it be that I am arguing or simply entertaining the very shade I should ignore because let’s admit it… Who are these people rreaalllyy -_- I can understand how that may make me seem hypocritical but what people need to understand is I am only human. Yes, on Monday I will scream positive vibes only because that is what I want and what I expect. So when you see me angry Wednesday before you conclude I’m weak consider just how much I have endured in-between that time period. It’s too easy for people to pass judgment on one another… but in a way that has strengthened me. Seeing how little people really care…seeing how quick they are to assume… seeing how eager they are to discredit has helped me realize that all I have and ever will have; is myself. It was this cold reality…this harsh true… this gigantic pill that took quite some time to swallow nearly suffocating me in the process… to realize that I have to figure out a way to be happy for me. Not you, him, or her; by myself.
I say over and over and over again that I will not entertain negativity… that I will not speak on the liars and the fakes and snakes because who I am will shine bright like a diamond. But as of late I have come to terms with the fact that people rather speak on what’s interesting… not necessarily true. I think the straw that broke the camel’s back; was knowing a person who has bared WITNESS to my accomplishments flat out lied. She literally spoke as if she didn’t have front row seats to the show. I lost it. At that moment I realized that I was a slave… a prisoner. Every time a person lied on me, exaggerated the truth, took something I told them in confidence and told anyone who would listen… I got angry…sad even. I realized that these people had entirely too much control over me. And once you get sick and tired of being sick and tired… you are forced to make a change.
I have two choices. I can allow myself to continue to be distracted and hurt by those who are clearly of the devil… or I can dig deep and find the strength within myself to truly rise above it. To get to a point where I am no longer moved or impacted by the negativity of others. Knowing that people I have been nothing but kind to in life wish bad on me… lets me know that the issue lies within you. That gives me solace…and that gives me peace. I will leave those individuals to sort out their own demons. I on the other hand- have a lot of goals that need to be tackled head on.
I don’t know what tomorrow brings…or next week or next month even; but I do know that starting today… when I feel myself starting to get angry or hurt by the malicious lies, the unfounded rumors, and the blatant disrespect that I deal with solely because I dream… I hope… I wish… and I refuse to let society conform me but choose to be my own person? I will repeat these things over and over until every negative thought has been beaten into submission. I will share a few things from my list…and if you deal with similar situations I suggest you come up with a list of your own.
In conclusion all I ask if this; be patient with me and pray for me. As I learn how to juggle being a musician, a business woman, and a mother, it’s been hard trying to learn how to shake the haters off LMAO! On a serious note; anyone who is subject to constant bullying and disrespect is someone that clearly has potential to be something AMAZING in life. People only try to bring you down when they feel you are already ABOVE THEM. Stay strong, stay positive, and create your own go to list when you feel negativity taking over. I’m working on me one day at a time… it’s the only way. I will win